LANGUAGES OF LOVE

The 5 love languages – formed by Gary Chapman distinguish between the different ways people show and receive love. We tend to have a preferred language. In many cases they are the symbolic displays that show we love and are loved.

He has proposed that everybody has a ‘love language’ in which that they are most comfortable to express their love to their partner, and as importantly, need to receive back.

The five ‘languages’ that he suggests are:

1.    Words of affirmation

2.    Quality time

3.    Receiving gifts

4.    Acts of service

5.    Physical touch

Problems develop in a relationship when partners don’t share the same language and therefore, don’t express love and affection in a way to which their partner can relate. For example, if one person needs words of affirmation to feel loved and secure but their partner only uses physical touch, then neither is going to be satisfied.

Not everybody would agree with these categories, but the concept is one that has been explored in different ways, by many motivational writers. Some even suggest that each sex has a completely different love language and to have a happy relationship, you need to learn how these operate.

In my experience, I have come to the conclusion that everyone does have one or more methods by which they express their love for their partner and if they do not feel loved in return, it may be that their partner is expressing it in ways that they cannot understand.

Love language 1 – Words of affirmation

This is an easy one – affirmations are compliments, the words of appreciation, of encouragement and the words of recognition. Partners surveys everywhere tell us that people want to be thanked and appreciated for what they do, wanting words of affirmation to show they are valued.

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.*

Verbal compliments or words of appreciation are powerful communicators of love.

Love Language 2 – Quality Time

Another easy one to apply in the relationship is – finding the time to talk, listen and engage with partners. This seems particularly important for women to receive quality time from their men. They want to know they have been listened to and that they have been part of a quality conversation. It can be achieved by allocating time to the conversations, observing body language, asking questions and paying attention.

This means giving someone your undivided attention. I don’t mean sitting on the couch watching television together. What I mean is taking a walk, just the two of you, or going out to eat and looking at each other while talking. Time is a strong communicator of love. The love language of quality time has many dialects. One of the most common is that of quality conversation – two individuals sharing their thoughts and feelings. A relationship calls for sympathetic listening with a view to understanding the other person’s desires. We must be willing to give advice, but only when it’s requested and never in a condescending manner. 

Here are some practical listening tips: 
❤ Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking.
❤Don’t do something else at the same time.
❤ Listen for feelings and confirm them. Ask yourself, “What emotion is my spouse experiencing?”
❤ Observe body language.
❤ Refuse to interrupt. Such interruptions indicate, “I don’t care what you are saying; listen to me.”
❤ Quality conversation also calls for self-revelation. In order for your partner to feel loved, you must reveal some of yourself, too.

Love Language 3 – Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.*

Almost everything ever written on the subject of love indicates that at the heart of love is the spirit of giving. All five love languages challenge us to give to our spouse, but for some, receiving gifts, visible symbols of love, speaks the loudest. A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, “Look, he was thinking of me,” or, “She remembered me.” A gift is a symbol of that thought. Gifts come in all sizes, colours and shapes. Some are expensive and others are free. To the individual whose primary love language is receiving gifts, the cost will matter little. 

There is also an intangible gift that can speak more loudly than something that can be held in one’s hand. Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give. Your body becomes the symbol of your love.

Love Language 4 – Acts of service

This is doing something that you know the other person would like you to do. They often involve thought, planning and effort. It can be expressed as an offer to help or to do something that you know will make a difference to the other person.

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.* I’m not saying become a doormat to your partner and do these things out of guilt or resentment. No person should ever be a doormat. Do these things as a lover.

Love Language 5 – Physical touch

And finally physical touch – this is probably the crucial, hardest and most important love

language. This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.*

Holding hands, kissing, hugging and sex – all of these are lifelines for the person for whom physical touch is the primary love language. With it, they feel secure in their partner’s love. “Love touches” don’t take much time, but they do require a little thought, especially if this isn’t your primary love language or you didn’t grow up in a “touching” family. Sitting close to each other as you watch TV requires no additional time, but communicates your love loudly. Touching each other when you leave the house and when you return may involve only a brief kiss, but speaks volumes.

Regards,

Umar